I don't know what it was about today -- the drizzly rain we are going to have from now to infinity, the headache I haven't been able to kick for 3 days, or the fact that I haven't seen a person who was not Bulgarian in 8 days.
But whatever the reason, today I suffered from a profound desire to speak English.
I am a Bulgarian champion. I'm not saying I'm great at it, I just use it a lot, and usually with a joyful heart. I love learning Bulgarian (though I don't study like I ought to) and I love using it. I teach about 70% of my classes in it. The only person I can use English with as a real communication tool is Rosie, and most of the time I like my dependence on my second language.
But today, oh today, I was suddenly overcome with this overWHELMING desire to speak English and be understood by everyone. I wanted to be understood, without having to work it out in my head beforehand and then pray for the patience of the listener. I did NOT was to speak Bulgarian at all. I just wanted to be understood.
As I was walking home from school I realized that today I became sick of being a foreigner. I was overpowered by a desire to be one of the masses...To be just another person here. I got sick of being picked out of the group that was walking home for the kids to yell, "Hello!" to, regardless if it was meant kindly or mockingly. I got sick of the little girl who kept turning around, looking at me and saying random English words. I got sick of being SideShow Becca, the American Wonder. Look how she hardly understands you, folks! Look how she puts one foot in front of the other as she walks!
I think I will take an aspirin and go to bed early. Tomorrow this will have passed, or at least be lessened. When I get back to America I will undoubtedly go through the painful process of becoming unspecial. But today, today, I just hated being foreign.
5 comments:
Yeah, I can sympathize. I feel it daily, in the other direction, twisting and turning my tongue to enunciate English, and doing it progressively worse. How can such a beautiful language be so difficult to speak? Talking English for 10 minutes tires me as much as speaking Bulgarian, or Russian, or German for one hour. Not only that, but practice does not improve my pronunciation – after 10 years in the States, it’s still the same. What relief it is to switch to German, for instance, lose the diphthongs and fricatives, and not be afraid that mispronouncing a vowel will change the meaning of the word.
There is another thing that I’d like to bring to the attention of all the posh corpsers reading this: when a BGer tells you they don’t understand your Bulgarian, they are most likely lying. There is a reason BG words are so much longer – there’s redundancy built in. Just make sure to pronounce all the sounds of the words, not necessarily correctly, and you’ll be understood. You may sound funny, but unless you’re talking to a retard, they’ll get it. The only way you may be unintelligible, is if you skip some of the sounds. Case in point – once a foreigner stopped me in Sofia to ask for directions. He was probably an Arab, and didn’t speak any of my languages, but the reason I could not help him was that he was asking for “lyov most”. Now, as you may know, there are two bridges in Sofia with similarly sounding names – “lavov most” (The Lions Bridge), and “orlov most” (The Eagles Bridge). Had the guy remembered both syllables of the name, no matter how mispronounced, I would have helped him. He didn’t, and so did I.
:)
Thanks for the tip! And don't fret on your English...People who speak English are used to accents and broken mutations of our language and we don't think you are stupid at all if you mess up a stress or a vowel and change a word. Your English is awesome (as seen through your writing), so don't be upset by your pronunciation. Though I know you want to be perfect.
Becca, it's okay to have those days. We're Americans. We're English speakers. We're here because we are proud of those two facts. Just don't go postal or anything on one of those days.
i hear ya, Becca.
I always joke to myself that IFFFF I survive this crazy Bulgarish life, I am going to move to the biggest city immagineable and happily live out the rest of my days just bein' one of the crowd. The first city that comes to mind is Tokyo cause of its sheer enormity, but I am tall and blonde and would inevitably stand out there as well. so, scratch that....
I love to communicate and it kills me when I can't effectively and am NEVER really saying what I mean to. You are a Bulgarian Warrior! I admire your dedication to learn this language. I give up way to easily. I seriously sometimes forgot how to conjugate "live" correctly in the past tense, then I get mad at myself and dont say anything...
hope today is better! love, Stiles
Beck,
What an awesome moment of self-reflection and revelation, even though it is painful. I think most of Humanity, to some degree, feels like a foreigner. Think how much more compassionate you're becoming -- and therefore better able to communicate on a far deeper level than mere language. I am so proud of you!
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