Бавно По Бавно

(Bavno Po Bavno)

This is a Bulgarian phrase meaning "Slowly by slowly...", bascially the English "little by little."

This, I have come to find, is a very IMPORTANT Bulgarian phrase.

It's a phrase that I find myself turning in my mind every day now...Because truly, everything I busy myself with these days is a bit of struggle that seems pretty much never ending.

I am learning Bulgarian. I can get by, converse, even sometimes understand strangers talking to one another. But for every word I know, there are 7 million I don't. For every 30 words I understand, there are three I can produce on my own. Every week I learn a new tense, but then there is always another tense waiting for me next week. I try to construct really good sentences for my students, then they stare at me blankly and one of the "sympathetic listeners" translates it into REAL Bulgarian. Zing.

I am also trying to teach. My students, for the most part, are apathetic, ignorant and disrespectful. The students I consider "good" I only consider "good" because they try to answer questions, they don't throw things and they don't ask me to go to the bathroom 50 times throughout a 40-minute class period...Even they have a lack of consistancy and spend more time tattling on other kids and giving answers out-of-turn than actually studying and listening to me teach. I have completely resigned myself to the fact that they will not do independent work during class...I HAVE to teach constantly throughout the entire period just to manage the crowd. If I assign them an exercise to do on their own for a minute, they just start talking to one another and nothing gets done. It's EXHAUSTING. They all cheat on tests--literally all of them. Even the best of the students do nothing to discourage a neighbor from copying...I am told this is a cultural thing (you help your friends), but my American, do-your-own-work ethic will simply not reconcile itself to it.

I am also on the hunt for friends, which is something I've never been good at, and now I am trying to make them IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. I feel like when I meet people, I must be such a drain on them and their social gathering. When I am in a group of several English speakers and one Bulgarian, I am so distracted in trying to keep that one Bulgarian in the loop of the conversation that I can't enjoy myself, so I feel like it is the same thing to all the Bulgarians who try to interact with me. I feel like they are laboring, and thus we aren't making any progress towards being actual friends. The Bulgarians are incredibly supportive with my learning, but I don't think they really think of me as a friend...They are just being their hospitible selves.

And finally, I am trying to live on my own. I am becoming a homemaker a responsible adult. I don't think any of my aquaintences would ever have labled me as irresponsible, but now I have a kitchen to keep stocked and meals to cook for myself, water and electricity and telephone bills to pay, floors to keep clean and a kitten to care for. Until now I have been expected to concentrate on one aspect of life--getting my education. I have had side jobs and activities all along, but I have also had family or roommates to help out on the homefront. There have been other people to cook for me when I was too tired, people to wash my dishes when I didn't have time and people to generally pick up the slack when I was not inclined to do something (and vice versa). But now, I am alone. I am the only person in my home, and therefore there is no one to pick up my slack. Too tired to wash dishes? Fine Becca, go to bed. But tomorrow, you'll be sorry.

But, as I try to compensate for that whine-fest, things are looking up. This summer I was at loose ends and terribly, terribly unadjusted. I was just profoundly lost...But the whole time I knew what I know now -- slowly by slowly, I would find myself. And to an extent, that is true. I am better now than I was last month. Last month I was better than the month before...The difference may be minute and fleeting, but it is there. There are good days and bad days, but the good days are getting better and the bad ones are not quite as bad.

I am sure that by the time I leave this place, I will have completed a very important journey.

**Sorry for the abrupt conclusion. I am sick of writing, and I am sure you are sick of reading...